


Shameless

by abstract_type



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: M/M, The sort of cynical and intense self-reflection you'd expect for a character like Levi, smut from third chapter onwards
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-07-17
Updated: 2013-07-17
Packaged: 2017-12-20 11:44:14
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 932
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/886871
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/abstract_type/pseuds/abstract_type
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Levi realised that it might have been his own fault. Might, he’d said. He might have been shit in bed (well, over the desk, but what difference did that make?). Maybe his performance had been so appalling Irwin had been moved to tears.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Shameless

**Author's Note:**

  * For [19cenalel](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=19cenalel).



> This fic is set entirely in the period of time between Eren’s imprisonment by the Recon Corps and his trial. I've extended the timeline a little to suit my own needs. Please enjoy!

**Prologue: Self-Reflection**

Levi was emotionless. Really, he was.

  
Annoyance didn’t count as emotion; the label emotion carried with it too many dull, soft meanings; the closest comparisons he could make to the word were soggy bread and women. Women such as Hanji Zoe he could appreciate, despite her freaky obsession with Titans and science and Titan-science, who had ambition and drive to figure out the world, and showed emotion only in a reasonable proportion and almost always in relation to her work. Titans, after all, were what made Hanji excited. Levi could respect that.

  
Or, women such as Mikasa Ackerman, who showed emotion only to a select number of people: people she felt the need to protect. She was almost inseparable from Jaeger and that Armin kid… She showed grief only for them, protected only them. Levi could respect such drive.

  
However, especially now that the last outpost of human civilisation had been forced back by the Titans to Wall Rosa, Levi couldn’t think of any reason why he should need to betray any emotion at all. He had no one, save for humankind, who he wanted to protect. Even humans were annoying. He had no specific passion for his job, though he knew he was good at it. He had never been able to understand how the use of Three-Dimensional Gear translated into excitement, even when he had been a trainee himself.  
He had expected more – or, rather, less – when he had joined the Scouting Legion. The Legion was only for the serious, most committed soldiers. Eren Jaeger might be an idiot, but no one could deny his drive, or his usefulness. He had joined the Scouting Legion under Irwin Smith, and he’d thought…

  
Fuck.

  
What had he thought?

  
If Levi had been speaking, or thinking out loud, he would have stuttered. He might have stuttered. That was unacceptable, for nervous idiots like… like him. His heart was beating too fast. His palms were sweating.

  
What was he thinking?

  
Irwin Smith.

  
He’d thought that there would be fewer idiots, and there were, but ever since Jaeger had joined there had been an incredible influx of them. Not into Irwin’s legion, but into the Scouting Legion. Ever since Irwin had given that speech, that impassioned speech about how a soldier was to do his or her duty to humankind. That sort of emotion was admirable.  
He could tolerate the emotions of Irwin Smith, since he showed them so little of the time. His weren’t annoying. Levi had seen his Commander cry only once, and that had been after that incident.

  
That incident.

  
Levi hadn’t cried, but he’d come close to it.

  
It must’ve been awful, he thinks, and feels bile rising in his throat. It must be shitty to be an emotional person and feel the need to cry all the time.

  
Really, it had hurt more for Levi than it had for Irwin. It shouldn’t have been painful for Irwin (though Levi knows there are medical conditions covering erectile agony; that would be even more bloody uncomfortable). Irwin shouldn’t have been crying, alone in his office afterwards, his head bent over his desk, his broad shoulders trembling, his pale hair fallen from its usual slicked-back position into his eyes. Chunks of hair had littered the oak table in front of him, torn out.

  
For the first time in his ambiguously long life, Levi had been too shocked to speak. Shock; another useless feeling; what was the point of being shocked by anything? He should be prepared for everything. He’d stood in the doorway for a moment, watching the sun setting behind Irwin and staining his hair red-gold, and then he’d run. He’d run like one of the thousands of civilian cowards he protected on a daily basis.

  
Irwin hadn’t seemed to notice him. It was better that way, he thought, but that wasn’t what he felt. If he was truthful with himself… Levi was rarely truthful with himself; he preferred to accept whatever came at him and deal with it unemotionally and accordingly… If he was truthful, he felt flustered, exhausted and really fucking ashamed of the whole palaver. Even when he thought back on it now, an event that had occurred over a week ago, when he’d acted on the ridiculous impulse to kiss his Commander and ended up bent over his desk – the same desk Irwin had been hunched over, tearing his hair out – brutally fucked and dazed out of his mind…

  
Levi still felt ashamed, and he shouldn’t. He should be unemotional. He isn't even ashamed for himself; he hadn’t had any real dignity left to lose, and Irwin hadn’t been his first. Had he been ashamed of his actions?

  
Then, everything crystallized, and Levi realised that it might have been his own fault. Might, he’d said. He might have been shit in bed (well, over the desk, but what difference did that make?). Maybe his performance had been so appalling that Irwin had been moved to tears. Maybe Irwin regretted it that much.

  
A second after the thought had jumped into his mind, Levi felt like slapping himself. He hadn’t disappointed any of his other partners, few though they have been – the army wasn’t the ideal place to find them, unless you were female and heterosexual. He feels an overpowering urge to talk to his Commander, to demand a meeting with him and then demand to know why Irwin had been crying, why Irwin hadn’t looked him in the face for over a week. Then he thinks better of it. Levi can’t handle criers, particularly crying men.


End file.
